Category: Blog

The term “high-functioning Autism” describes people who have an Autism diagnosis, but who are still able to do many of the things found in a neurotypical world.

Although not a medically recognized term, it still describes the capabilities of many people who have an Autism diagnosis. They work, have hobbies, and enjoy fulfilling and enriching personal relationships, including romance.

However, despite these accomplishments people with high-functioning Autism still face significant daily challenges. Identifying those challenges is important if you or a loved one has autism.

Consider some of the following challenges for those who have high-functioning Autism.

Navigating Social Interactions

For a neurotypical person, navigating social interactions is intuitive and fluid. After all, for most people, their education for how to handle interpersonal issues has been occurring since infancy.

However, for those with Autism social interactions can be incredibly difficult. For example, nonverbal cues may either be misinterpreted or not even recognized at all. There are so many factors that go into building relationships with other people. For those with Autism, even high-functioning Autism, it is challenging or even impossible to master this important social skill.

Planning Ahead

Another daily challenge for a person with Autism is planning ahead. It’s an important skill that we use every day to keep our lives on track.

For example:

• Making appointments
• Attending meetings
• Buying groceries
• Paying bills

If you have Autism, it might be difficult for you to plan ahead and anticipate these things until it’s too late. For example, you don’t realize that you need toilet paper until there is none left in the house. Or you miss an important appointment because you simply didn’t think about putting it on your calendar.

Coping with Unexpected Situations

People with Autism feel comfortable with routines. However, when something unexpected occurs, it can really be a problem.

For example, what do you do if the TV suddenly stops working? A neurotypical person might try to troubleshoot the TV and try to restart it. However, if they can’t fix it on their own, they’ll likely call someone who can help, such as an appliance technician.

Situations like that require problem-solving skills, which can be difficult to grasp for those with Autism. Hence, an unexpected situation can be stressful and frustrating to deal with.

Dealing with Sensory Issues

People with high-functioning Autism can have sensory issues. These problems are in regard to stimuli that they absorb from their five senses.

Typically, there are two distinct sensory issues:

• Hypersensitivity: when someone is overly sensitive to stimuli in their environment. For example, loud noises or sounds can be distressing.
• Hyposensitivity: when someone has less or no sensitivity to stimuli compared to other adults. They focus on one particular thing while other aspects of their world will be ignored.

Interestingly, an autistic person can be both hypersensitive and hyposensitive. For example, someone could be sensitive to loud, piercing sounds, but they will not be moved whatsoever one way or the other when they listen to loud music.

Being Different

Perhaps the biggest challenge that people with high-functioning Autism face is knowing that they are different and wanting to fit in.

By the time they reach adulthood, those with high-functioning Autism know that they experience the world differently from other people. However, instead of being helpful, this knowledge only serves to cause frustration as they try to navigate a world not designed to meet their needs.

Knowing that they’re different can cause a person to isolate themselves and struggle to have relationships with other people. And that can also be discouraging.

How Can Counseling for Autism Help?

Autism counseling can be incredibly helpful for adults with high-functioning Autism. A counselor will be able to help with developing skills and strategies for dealing with many of the above-mentioned issues. These challenges don’t have to be permanent obstacles.

The first step that’s required, though, is knowing how to best cope with these problems in order to be successful. Contact me if you’d like to understand your challenges and learn to successfully navigate these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

You partner loves to go fishing on a Saturday morning, while you’d prefer to sleep in, read a book, or watch TV.

Sounds like an interest mismatch, doesn’t it?

However, just because your interests don’t align with each other, doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. Rather, when you think about it, this is an opportunity for growth and exploration.

Couples who have different interests can still have a successful and long-lasting relationship. The trick is to master how you both connect and to make those moments meaningful.

Here’s how.

Do Something Fun Together (and Often!)

Even if you each have your own hobbies and interests, it’s helpful that you both do fun things that both of you enjoy. Are there activities that you both like to do together?

The first thing that might come to your mind could be intimacy. It’s true that physical intimacy and sex are important to any romantic relationship. And they certainly can be fun. However, you need to think broader.

Think back to when you first started dating for inspiration. Perhaps visit that mini-golf course where you went out together for the first time. Sometimes a trip back through memory lane can be helpful with connecting again to your partner.

Learn Something New Together

Another idea is to learn something new together. Whether it’s a new sport (scuba diving anyone?), taking a class, visiting a museum, etc., there are plenty of options.

However, it does involve that you both be a little creative and willing to step out of your comfort zones. But that’s okay. It just means that this requires you to lean on each other for support and encouragement. And that’s not a bad thing.

Also, doing something completely different together allows you to have something in common while maintaining your own interests.

Be Aware of Each Other’s Desire to Connect

Dr. John Gottman, an expert in relationships, talks about how small, intimate moments of connection are important for a relationship. Yet, often we don’t realize that our partner is attempting to connect.

This is especially true when you are focused on something else entirely. You tune out everything, including your partner.

So, it’s helpful to recognize your partner’s signs for when they are reaching out to you, such as:

• Asking for help
• Putting a hand on your shoulder or back
• Inviting you to play a game
• Holding hands
• Saying “I love you”

Go Beyond Interests and Connect Through Values

It’s great when couples have common interests. However, having common values that you both share and cherish is equally important.

Values are the attributes or traits that you find meaningful and essential in life. They are based on your lived experiences and help to shape your worldview and outlook on life.

Examples of values include:

• Integrity
• Trust
• Loyalty
• Faith
• Love
• Honesty
• Learning

These are just a small sampling of potential values that each of you might hold dear. But it’s important that you understand your own values.

If you find yourself scratching your head to come up with a list of values for yourself, don’t worry. That doesn’t mean there’s something’s wrong with you. It might mean that you’ve never taken the opportunity to reflect on your values.

There are several ways to do this:

• Make some time each day for personal introspection
• Write down your thoughts in a journal
• Ask for help from a spiritual advisor or leader

Also, you can ask your partner for help!

Jot down some ideas individually, then share them with each other. Take note of how your partner reacts to your thoughts. Also, they might surprise you with their own thoughts and observations of your values. This process of self-reflection is a great way to connect and forge a stronger relationship.

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There are many things that couples can do to connect. Even if they have very different interests, there can still be ways to create shared interests or connect through their values.

If you have tried the aforementioned ideas and are still struggling to forge a stronger connection with your partner, please contact us.

It’s well known that there is a relationship between chronic stress and addiction.

For instance, people with high-stress jobs might turn to substances as a way to relax. They may come home after a long day of work and unwind with a few beers or some glasses of wine. Or maybe they use drugs to stay awake, such as when having to pull a double-shift at work or getting through a long-haul delivery route.

What about stress and addiction in students? They also face stress in ways we may not have realized just a few years ago. And that can put them at risk for substance abuse.

If you are concerned about your student and their exposure to addiction, consider these factors.

Students Are Exposed to a lot of Stress

Let’s face it, school has become more stressful as the stakes have gotten higher. Even for those in the secondary grades, there is a lot of pressure to get into a top-tier college or university.

This often involves such things as:

• Getting not just “good” but exceptional grades
• Taking AP, IB, or even community college classes
• Having the “right” extracurriculars on their resume
• Participating in internships or work experiences

And this is just for being able to get into college! Once at the college level, students are exposed to even more stress as the bar is raised to a new level. Thus, chronic stress becomes a part of their lives.

Chronic Stress and College Workload

While in college, stress can be compounded for students in several ways. For example:

• Staying up late studying
• Taking a demanding course-load
• Writing papers and conducting research

Some students may have been exceptional in high school. However, now that they are in college, the workload is more than they expected.

It’s not like they coasted through high school. They worked hard. Yet, the expectations are much higher for college-level classes than they perhaps anticipated. This can be very hard if they considered themselves to be exceptional but now have problems meeting even their own expectations.

The Financial Stress of School

An issue for many years has been the growing financial costs of education. This financial stress can be a great burden on college students.

For instance, a student who is the first in their family to attend college may not have as many financial resources as other students. They may have scholarships but also have to work part-time to make ends meet. The college meal-plan can be out of reach for some of these students. And so, they make do as best they can, but may still go to sleep hungry at night.

Add on top of this the load of student loan debt. It’s a burden that many are willing to accept if it means a four-year degree. However, these students may spend years or even decades paying off those loans, dealing with the stress of this financial burden throughout that time.

Substance Abuse, Stress, and Being a Student

Substance use is already present, to one degree or another, on every campus in the country. With the added stress that students face, it’s no wonder that many turn to substances as a way to either blow-off steam or to have an advantage to get ahead of their coursework.

Of course, we know that this mixture is toxic and can only lead to negative consequences. If you have a student and are concerned about these issues, you don’t just have to stand by.

But how can you identify chronic stress and possible substance misuse in your student?

Consider these questions:

• Does your student already put a lot of pressure on themselves to succeed?
• Have they mentioned how many hours they are putting into studying?
• Did they get grades on assignments that were lower than they expected?
• Are they working part-time or full-time jobs on top of school?
• Do they receive an academic or athletic scholarship that is dependent on their grades?
• Is your student getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals, and exercising?
• Does something seem “off” or out of place when you do talk to them?

Of course, you don’t want to interrogate your child. Nor do you want them to feel like you don’t trust them either. A bit of diplomacy when talking with them is warranted. However, keep these things in the back of your mind when you have discussions about their academic workload.

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Keep in mind that some stress is inevitable and even healthy. However, if your student is struggling with stress over a longer period of time, such as over the course of a semester, that can be a problem. Know the signs of chronic stress and be encouraging and supportive.

If you would like professional guidance with helping your child manage academic stress, please feel free to contact us.

When searching for the causes and symptoms of complex trauma, you can’t focus on the present. Rather, the origins of complex trauma lie in the past.

The experiences that form complex trauma have so many layers and come to interfere with the many aspects of your life. In many cases, they reach all the way back to childhood, a very formative time. Also, they influence your perception of yourself and your self-worth.

This is why it’s called “complex trauma.”

Just as with early positive affirming experience, the negative effects of complex trauma continue to reverberate into the future.

The Toll of Repeated Exposure to Trauma

First, let’s consider what causes complex trauma. Complex trauma occurs when you are exposed to not just one, but repeated traumatic events. This happens over an extended period of time.

For instance, a child growing up in an abusive household will often be exposed to traumatic experiences in the form of both physical and verbal abuse. Or for someone who is already an adult, complex trauma might be connected to experiencing the trauma of war. Frequent deployments to conflict zones will have an effect on anybody, even well-trained soldiers.

For both the child and the adult, complex trauma typically results in post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

The symptoms related to PTSD are:

• Nightmares
• Disturbing and intrusive thoughts
• Anxiety
• Experiencing flashbacks
• Lack of quality sleep
• Agitation
• A need to always be vigilant of potential threats

However, people who experience complex trauma can manifest PTSD differently than those who went through a singular traumatic event.

Internalizing the Trauma

One way that complex trauma complicates PTSD is by internalizing the trauma. This means that people who have been through this kind of trauma have taken those experiences and grafted them onto who they are as individuals.

For instance, those with complex trauma may feel deeply ashamed and guilty. Yet, the reality is that they didn’t do anything wrong. However, the experiences they had reinforced this negative self-image.

Consider, for example:

• A child that has an abusive parent believes they are “worthless” because the parent repeatedly told them so throughout their childhood.
• A soldier that has lived through war may feel guilty for what they have done in combat. These experiences can create an internal narrative that they are “evil.”
• A teenager at school is bullied repeatedly over their appearance. This can instill in them a negative belief about their body image.

As you can see, experiences like these are building on top of one another in layers. They also create a ripple effect that influences not just a person’s self-image, but the choices they make in life too.

Identifying with Their Abuser

Another symptom of complex trauma is that, in some instances, the abused begin to identify with the abuser. This makes sense, to some degree, when it comes to understanding the symptoms of complex trauma and PTSD.

If someone experiences trauma as a child due to the actions of a parent, they could easily slip into this mindset. After all, even though what the parent did was wrong, they are still mom or dad to the child. The child might make excuses for their parent’s behavior or blame themselves for the abuse.

All of this really complicates the picture. If left untreated, the child can carry those beliefs with them into adulthood.

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If you have experienced complex trauma, there is hope. Treatment can help with resolving the symptoms and decrease the effects on your life.

You can’t change the past. However, it is possible to alter the course of your future. Consider reaching out to a therapist who is trained and understands complex trauma therapy.

There’s a lot that’s been written about what to do when you have depression.

Many self-help articles talk about how to cope with depression symptoms or how to help a loved one who has depression. Most of the attention focuses on the emotional piece related to depression and how that affects a person’s life.

However, one topic that doesn’t always get much discussion is whether depression can cause a loss of cognitive function.

While it may not always get as much attention with the general public, researchers have had their eye on this matter for some time. In fact, research has found that depression can cause you to experience a loss of cognitive function.

Here are the specifics.

What Research Says

Research has confirmed that when you experience depression you also might see a cognitive decline. This may be in the short-term, while you are experiencing depression. However, it has also been found that having depression earlier in your life can be a risk factor toward developing dementia later on.

One study conducted by the University of Sussex found that those who had depression between the age of 20-40 years old experienced cognitive decline when they reached their 50s. This study utilized data acquired from the National Child Development Study in Great Britain.

Thus, depression not only has an immediate effect on your cognitive abilities. It also has the potential to impact your quality of life years or even decades after the depression occurred.

How Depression Interferes with Cognitive Functions

Diminishing Executive Functioning Abilities

One way that depression affects your cognitive abilities is executive functioning. This is the part of your brain that allows you to “adult.”

That includes, for example:

• Staying organized
• Planning
• Completing tasks
• Time management

Losing these abilities can be a big problem for both your professional and personal life. You need executive functioning to do everything from getting assignments done at work to making sure your kids are ready for school.

When depression is present, it makes it much harder to get anything done all. You often see depressed people who have a stack over overdue bills or emails to respond to, but they can’t because it’s just too hard.

Hindering Decision-Making Abilities

Another way that depression affects your cognitive abilities is your capacity to make decisions. It may feel overwhelming to make even the smallest of choices. That, in turn, creates more stress in your daily life.

In turn, you might find it easier to avoid making decisions at all, or as few as possible. Other people may misinterpret these behaviors as you being lazy. Yet, the real culprit is your depression.

Increasing Forgetfulness

Have you found it difficult to remember even the basic of details lately? It may be that your depression is the problem.

This is because the feelings of sadness and hopelessness override your brain. It’s so focused on those feelings, thoughts, and memories that it isn’t retaining other information as easily. This makes it more difficult for you when it comes to recalling things.

Other Contributors to Cognitive Loss

Additionally, when you’re depressed, you are not practicing positive habits that help your brain. For instance, depression can affect the quality of your sleep, causing you to get less sleep per night. Plus, many depressed people may also have more stress in their lives, which makes it hard to relax.

And if that’s not enough, oftentimes, depressed people engage in unhealthy coping methods such as alcohol use or substance abuse. These negative habits don’t help protect your cognitive abilities, rather they endanger them.

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If you are struggling with depression, feel free to contact me. Battling depression requires professional support and a therapist trained to help you find the source of your issues, make lifestyle changes, and perhaps recommend a medication regimen. With treatment, you can not only feel better, but you will also be able to reclaim those cognitive abilities that seemed to be escaping you while depressed.

Many factors that can influence substance misuse.

Often, there is still a perception that the misuse of substances is strictly a reflection of one’s character. This can cause those who struggle with it to experience judgment, isolation, and shame.

It also prevents these people from getting the help and treatment they need.

However, modern research has helped us to better understand the deeper reasons why substance misuse occurs. By getting a clear picture of these factors, you can better support someone you know who is in recovery, or yourself.

Consider these three steps to finding and dealing with the deeper reasons of your or someone else’s substance misuse.

Step #1: Understand the Neurological Effects of Addiction

First, it helps to learn more about the neurological effect of addiction. Research shows that addiction causes the brain to change, especially the parts that are the “reward” center of the brain. When you use drugs or alcohol, dopamine is causing you to experience pleasure. Over time, your brain learns to associate the substance with pleasure.

Simultaneously, it also becomes harder to experience the same kind of high that you initially felt. This is because your brain adapts to the levels of drugs or alcohol that you were initially using. Thus, you may look for other means to achieve that same feeling. So, you may start to abuse substances—either consuming more or looking to other, stronger substances to create the effect you’re seeking.

In the end, the brain begins to communicate that it wants and needs that substance all the time. That’s when substance abuse turns into addiction.

Step #2: Know the Connection Between Trauma and Substance Misuse

Second, in order to grasp how addiction and substance misuse can take a hold on someone, it helps to understand the link to trauma.

Oftentimes the root cause for why someone becomes addicted to substances is because of experiencing trauma. This can either be from a singular incident or from experiencing multiple traumatic events over a period of time.

There are two potential avenues for trauma to be connected to substance misuse:

• Some people experience trauma and then turn to substances as a means of trying to cope with the ordeal.
• Others may already be using substances, which increases the likelihood that they participate in risky behaviors that can lead to trauma.

Either way, trauma can be extremely hard to cope with. There are so many unpleasant and troubling emotions and memories that get embedded deep within the mind. Often, they plague a trauma victim for years. And triggers that take them back to the moment that the trauma occurred can cause horrible flashbacks at any time of the day.

Thus, it’s easy to see why some turn to substances to numb those feelings and to escape.

Step #3: Learn About the Role Substance Misuse Plays in Mental Health

The third step to understanding the deeper reasons behind substance misuse has to do with a person’s mental well-being. People may have an issue affecting their mental health, which often exists alongside a substance abuse problem.

These mental health problems could include:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Borderline personality disorder
• Schizophrenia
• Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

What this means is that, if you’re struggling with substance abuse, it may be that you have some form of a mental health issue as well. Conversely, if you have a mental health problem or are experiencing a major crisis, that too could be a risk factor for misusing substances.

In fact, studies have found that 43% of those who are in substance abuse treatment for painkillers also had, in particular, depression and anxiety.

Dealing with Substance Misuse

Perhaps some of the aforementioned explanations of deeper reasons behind substance misuse have opened your eyes to a problem you or a loved one has. And now, you understand a bit clearer. What can you do to deal with it, though?

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance misuse, the universal and most vital step to take is to seek professional help. Working with a counselor who understands addiction issues is key. Please, don’t try to handle the problem by yourself.

Aside from getting professional help, a few other avenues are also important, such as:

• Support groups
• Family involvement
• Finding healthier outlets for emotions
• Developing communication skills
• Using better coping mechanisms

In therapy, you’ll have the opportunity to add these factors to your treatment program. A trained therapist can help you determine which would be of special help for your individual situation.

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The reasons why substance misuse occurs can be deeper than you realized. By following the steps listed above and getting professional help, it is possible to deal with the underlying problems and recover. Please, contact us today for more information.

Counseling can’t solve every problem.

That sounds defeatist and the opposite of what you may have heard about therapy. However, the reality is that it’s true.

Often there is the hope that counseling can be the solution for all the issues and problems that couples haven’t been able to handle themselves. Yet, it can be very hard to unpack all of that baggage and find real solutions, even with the help of a professional.

So, what’s wrong?

There can be many reasons why counseling fails to address relationship problems. Consider learning from the mistakes others have made so that you don’t face the same scenarios yourself.

Being Six Years Too Late

Dr. John Gottman, a researcher in the field of relationships and marriage, notes that most couples wait about six years before getting help. That’s six years of feeling miserable while not adequately addressing the issues that they’re facing.

If you fall into this category, that means that both you and your partner have put up a lot of relationship barriers. These are obstacles that, on the surface, are meant to emotionally protect you or help you cope with stress. Yet, they also make the relationship problems you are facing much worse.

Additionally, in those years, you both probably also have hardened your hearts towards one another. These factors can make it very hard to get the relationship counseling process going, let alone be effective.

Focusing on Problems and Not Solutions

Another issue you might be dealing with is that you each are focused on the problems that you face. This most often manifests itself in playing the blame game. “You never listen to what I’m saying!” or “Why do you always avoid having these conversations?”

It’s easier to get wrapped up in the problems and not consider the solutions. Or maybe you feel that it’s the other person that has to do all the work because you look at each other as the problem, not as a partner. This can cause you to objectify one another and not consider each other as people.

Does that sound familiar to you?

Being in Denial about the Issues

Oftentimes, either an individual or both partners, are in denial about the issues they are facing. So, in sessions, neither of you ever talk about the real issues with your therapist. And that stifles progress.

Your therapist isn’t a mind-reader! They can infer a lot from what you say. Yet, if you are not being upfront with the issues you are both facing, that makes it really difficult for your counselor to provide the best care possible.

Not Wanting to Be in Counseling

Counseling is the most effective when both participants are engaged and willing to be a part of the process. But it may be that one partner doesn’t want to be in counseling in the first place.

Maybe you decided that it’s time to seek out couples counseling. But your partner may not be as open to the idea as you thought. And there could be a variety of reasons why your partner doesn’t want to participate.

For example:

• Having their own negative personal experiences with counseling and therapy
• Believing that it’s a waste of time
• Thinking that there isn’t really a problem at all or that it’s blown out of proportion
• Not wanting to face the realities of the relationship

No matter what the issues it, not being on the same page about couples counseling can definitely hinder the process.

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If you and/or your partner are considering relationship therapy, be aware of the reasons why counseling may fail and counteract them. When you go to therapy, be open and honest with each other. Don’t wait until a problem reaches a boiling point. And use therapy as a means for finding workable solutions.

After all, much about counseling is what you put into therapy, not what you get out of it!

Life isn’t easy when your partner has depression.

Of course, you want to support them through this difficult time in their life. Yet, the energy and effort that it requires can be so draining. Sometimes, it feels as if their depression is taking up all the space in your lives, and there isn’t much room for anything else.

Is it even possible to support your partner while also taking care of yourself?

The answer is: Yes, absolutely!

However, it does require that you be aware of your own needs and set appropriate boundaries. How?

Consider these five ways.

1. Don’t Take It Personally

There will be times when your partner may be angry and upset. They may try to “get back” at you with biting comments and personal attacks. This, even though you are the one trying to help them.

Keep in mind not to let these moments shake you. They are signs of depression, and they can be really hard to deal with. Just know that in those moments, you are seeing your partner at their worst, when their depression really has a grip on them. Thus, try building some emotional space between the two of you so that, when these moments occur, they don’t “get” to you.

2. Take a Firm Stand Against Abusive Behavior

While you want to show support even during tough times, keep in mind that you should not tolerate unkind behavior from your partner. Just because they are depressed doesn’t mean they have the right to be either emotionally or physically abusive to you.

If your partner is making emotionally cruel comments, be firm and tell them to stop saying those things. Don’t tolerate physical abuse either. If you share a home, go somewhere you know is safe. Remember, you can’t help your partner get better if they are creating an unsafe environment for you.

3. Do the Things You Enjoy and Love

If your partner is struggling with depression, you might feel obligated to put all your focus and attention on them. That makes sense, as you genuinely want to help them get better. However, it’s a long road to recover from depression. By putting all your energy toward them, you neglect having the ability to regain some of that energy and recharge.

That’s why it’s important that you make time for yourself to pursue the things you love and enjoy. It’s not being selfish. Rather, it’s a critical part of avoiding burnout and maintaining balance in your own life. Have a discussion with your partner when they are in the right frame of mind to hear you. Let them know you care for them and love them, but sometimes you need a break too.

4. Don’t Enable Your Partner

Depression can cause someone to feel helpless, incapable, and unworthy. Thus, they rely on their partners to do things that they once did themselves. If your partner had a broken leg, for example, it’s logical that you would take care of them while they recover. However, at some point, they need to get up out of bed and start doing things for themselves.

The same is true with depression. Help your partner, but avoid becoming a doormat for their every want and request. Encourage them to do things for themselves, such as getting a snack from the kitchen or picking up after themselves.

5. Get Professional Therapeutic Support

It’s common to hear how depressed people need to see a therapist to heal from depression. However, you ought to see a therapist too. Caregiving can be emotionally draining, and it’s crucial that you get support too.

A therapist can be understanding about your needs, listen to your frustrations, and help with finding solutions. Also, having your own therapist is another way to set a boundary with your depressed partner. Your session is a place where you can vent and focus on yourself.

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When your partner is depressed you want to help, of course. However, the best way to provide that support is finding a balance between your partner’s needs and your own. And that means setting and maintaining boundaries with them, which isn’t always easy.

Remember though that you don’t have to do this alone. If you would like to find out how we can help you get your own emotional needs met and feel supported, please contact us today for more information on my therapeutic approach.

You’d think that after a large-scale tragedy, such as a bombing or shooting, the survivors would be relieved to still be alive.

Yet, the tragic reality is that many of these people suffer from survivor’s guilt.

The reasons why this happens can be difficult to understand, especially if you have never been through such an experience. Yet, for these survivors, bearing an overwhelming sense of guilt is a reality.

If you want to be able to relate to someone who’s gone through a traumatic experience, consider why the reasons for survivor’s guilt can be so complex.

Understanding What Survivor’s Guilt Is

Survivor’s guilt occurs when someone has experienced a traumatic event in which others were killed, yet they lived. This can happen on a small-scale, such as surviving a car accident while another perished.

However, a large-scale tragedy can amplify the distress. There are news reports, video, and interviews with the loved ones of those who died. And those who are left behind may ask themselves: “Why me?”

It is a very human phenomenon: trying to apply reason to something that is completely irrational. Thus, survivors are often left with a great deal of pain and emotional distress.

Questions that will always be left unanswered…

Besides “Why me?” survivors of large-scale tragedies can have other questions and doubts.

For example:

• “What could have happened if…?”
• “Why could I have done (or didn’t do) differently?”
• “If only I had done something else, they would still be here.”
• “Was there a sign or indicator something was about to happen that I didn’t see?”

As you can see, survivors will often ask themselves many questions about how things turned out. Yet, they will never get the true answers they are looking for. Rather, these questions and doubts can haunt them for years, even decades, after the tragedy has occurred.

Coping with the Randomness of It All

The randomness of the situation can really get to survivors or tragedies. For example, imagine this scenario: A person walking down the street on their way to work decides to stop to pick up a newspaper and coffee. This might be outside of their typical routine. Yet, this simple and seemingly innocuous choice saves them from a disaster.

There are many stories of people avoiding the events of 9/11 simply because they missed their flight or were late to work at the Twin Towers. These moments might be chalked up to happenstance, fate, luck, or even the work of a divine power. It is very human for us to need to find reason in events that are completely random, yet also tragic.

Relating to the Experience of Survivor’s Guilt

Even if you have never experienced survivor’s guilt due to a large-scale tragedy, you still can support someone who has.

For example, you can…

• …listen to their story.
• …avoid passing judgment.
• …refrain from trying to “make sense of it all.”
• …show empathy.

If you are having trouble relating, take a step back for a moment. Think of a moment in your own life where you felt powerless or unable to effect change.

What was that experience like? Did you have doubts about yourself or the outcomes afterward?

Use this as a way to emphasize with survivors. Don’t use words such as “I understand where you’re coming from.” Rather, acknowledging that you hear them and validating what they have said will mean a lot more than “pretending” that you get it.

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The human mind is designed to make sense of the world around us. It takes in information and processes it, which allows you to make choices. When events such as a large-scale tragedy unfold, it will still try to process. This, despite the fact that surviving mass-scale tragedies often has little to do with logic.

If you or someone you know has been through such an experience and is struggling, consider getting professional help. Please, contact us if you’d like more information on how we could give you support.

Some people consider a “healthy” relationship to be one in which both partners seem to be joined at the hip all the time.

It may seem as if these couples are very close and connected. Indeed, you may have heard of couples who have been like this for decades and are completely happy.

Yet, is this really healthy for most couples?

The answer is: not always.

The truth is that it is OK for you to be in a relationship and still have your own space and individual identity. This often means doing things you like to do that don’t have to involve your partner.

Consider some tips to help you create space.

1. Forging Your Own Career Path

In this day and age, it’s common for both partners to be working, and each has their own careers. Work helps you to get space as it allows you to focus on something that is outside of the scope of your relationship.

Also, work is a space where you create other relationships with coworkers and professionals in your industry. This helps you to create variety in the types of relationships that you have with other people.

2. Volunteering Your Time

Another way to create space in your relationship is to volunteer with an organization in your community.

For instance, let’s say that you are really passionate about bikes and bicycling. So, you decide to volunteer with a community group that refurbishes old bicycles to donate to kids. Great! Your partner, on the other hand, would prefer to spend their time tutoring and mentoring young people. That’s OK too!

You each are finding ways to contribute that define your own interests.

3. Working Out

You like to lift weights while your partner is a long-distance runner. Both are great ways to stay fit. Neither of you has to like the same kind of exercise, as long as you both find something that you enjoy doing. Of course, you both don’t have to work out together. But it can be rewarding to share stories later on about your accomplishments.

Also, exercising is a great way to “zone out” and hyper-focus on what you are doing in the moment. Thus, you are mentally making space, not just physically.

4. Pursuing Your Hobbies

Each of you can create space from one another through pursuing your hobbies. It’s perfectly fine for each of you to have your own interests. These are the things you enjoy doing in your free time that you couldn’t imagine not doing at all.

For example, you both might like to pursue outdoor activities. Yet, you really enjoy rock climbing while your partner is passionate about fishing. Just because you are in a relationship together doesn’t mean that you should not do the things you love.

Finding Support for Creating Space

Sometimes it’s not easy to be able to make space for yourself. There may be issues that cause one or both of you to resist the desires of the other to create some space and pursue their own interests.

If you believe this is the case in your relationship, consider talking to a therapist who understands these relationship issues. Together you and your partner can learn how to balance the needs of the relationship while also honoring each of you as individuals.

Having space in a relationship can be just as important as what you do together as a couple. You can allow both of you to be your own person while also honoring the relationship as well. If you are having trouble either creating space or finding this balance, please contact us.