How to Make It Count When You Reconcile After a Fight

Fighting with your partner is exhausting, both physically and emotionally. A big blow-up will leave each of you feeling drained.

But life doesn’t stop when you have a fight with your partner. There’s still work to do, tasks to get done, and more. That’s why when you reconcile after a fight you both need to make it count. Otherwise, resentment may linger and build until it spills over into the next argument.

That’s not sustainable for any relationship. Let alone building a foundation of love, understanding, and compassion.

Here are some ideas on how to make it count when you reconcile after a fight.

Take Time to Regroup

Before you and your partner even sit down to reconcile, take time to regroup. Remember that fighting uses up a lot of energy. You both need to be in the right headspace in order to reconcile.

Also, there is the physical energy required to be present and engaged with the conversation. So, take some time to pause. Agree on when it would be appropriate to come back together. Then, separate yourselves and get centered.

Regrouping may mean that one of you takes a brisk walk while the other takes a shower. Whatever works for you individually. The idea is that you refocus your attention away from the fight and back on taking care of yourselves.

Set a Time Limit

Next, when you do come back together, set a time limit on the discussion. It can be easy to get lost in thought about what happened or the state of your relationship currently. However, this also makes it really easy to get off track and lose focus.

By setting a time limit, you are both better able to direct your attention to the topic you need to discuss. It could be thirty minutes or an hour. However, any longer, and you’ll likely both start to lose focus.

Avoid Blaming Each Other

If, at any point in the conversation, you start to blame one another, beware! This approach only leads to wasted time and energy.

One person starts blaming the other for what happened. Then, the other partner retaliates with their own accusations. Next thing you know the situation is spiraling out of control and the moment has been lost.

If you notice that this is about to occur, hit the brakes! Take some time to breathe, then get back on track with the discussion.

Own Up to Your Actions

To reconcile quickly, it helps to own up to what you said or did during the fight. For example, if you said things that you regret, take responsibility. Tell your partner what you did and that it was wrong to do so.

One of the reasons why fights and relationship conflict drag out is because neither partner is willing to own up to their actions. However, when you do, it greatly helps with closing that gap and moving forward together from the conflict.

Apologize, Apologize, Apologize

You would be amazed at how many couples never apologize to one another. Apologizing is very powerful. It sends the message to your partner that you recognize what you did and that it negatively impacted them.

Really, both partners ought to apologize. Even if it was clear that one partner was “in the wrong,” it takes two people to have a relationship conflict. That means there is room for each partner to apologize for allowing the fight to occur.

By following the aforementioned tips, you and your partner can learn to resolve a fight for good. At first, it still might take a while for the conflict to be worked out. However, with practice, you and your partner will be able to take care of these issues much faster.

If you continue to struggle with fighting, consider getting additional help from a therapist. I would be pleased to give you more information on my therapeutic approaches. Please, don’t hesitate to call / text us 256-686-9195.

Author
Joshua Howell, MS, LPC, NCC, AADC, ICAADC, SAP, SAE

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